


hide and seek

by coorelightgrey



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-28 01:39:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15037883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coorelightgrey/pseuds/coorelightgrey
Summary: "Nageki was always the best out of all the orphans at hide and seek, but if anyone could ever find him, it was Hitori Uzune."or: one quail's gradual descent into madness.





	hide and seek

**Author's Note:**

> "nil when are you going to stop uploading old fics and write something new" never, probably.
> 
> this was written back in 2012, before the release of holiday star, and i made a few minor tweaks but somehow it still holds up pretty well? thanks past self.

_“Hitori... I can't go outside anymore. I can't live anymore.”_  
  
Those words cut deep, straight to Hitori’s core. Every painful thing that they’ve been through together – the loss of their families, the days they spent with empty bellies and broken spirits as fate showed just how cruel it could be – none of that compared to right now, when something as stupid as a  _door_  is separating him from Nageki, who is dying, who is  _killing himself_  because of something he couldn’t stop.  
  
He wanted to protect him. That’s all he wanted to do, all that he really had to live for. And yet, all he can do now is listen to Nageki’s last words, so faint compared to the constant drone of the alarms and the violent roar of the flames.  
  
Why? Why did it have to come to this?  
  
No matter how loudly he screams, how harshly his fists pound at the door, Hitori knows Nageki isn’t listening anymore. He’s always been like this – always thought that he was nothing but trouble, a burden, that if he wasn’t around life would be so much easier... Again and again Hitori had been able to counter those comments, to insist that his life is precious, that his presence means something, that his existence gave his own life meaning, but he wonders now if his words had fallen on deaf ears.  
  
The footsteps and panicked voices of the scientists grow louder and gain clarity, but Hitori remains rooted to his spot. To move is to leave Nageki... and leaving him is what lead to this in the first place.  
  
By grace of a merciful god or a pure adrenaline rush, Hitori isn’t sure – but the door finally opens and he stumbles inside in a panicked rush. Smoke fills the air, and a sickeningly strong stench seeps out of the room. A single thought crosses his mind: there can’t be anything left. Nageki was always so intelligent... the fire he started was perfect. The corpse, if he could even call what’s left that, is unrecognizable, blackened, burnt and charred all over.  
  
_It’s not Nageki._  Hitori tries to insist, touching gently what he believes is his face.  _It can’t be. There’s no way this is—_    
  
“Nageki...” The flames die down as he settles on the floor next to what was once his brother, holding the remains close to his body.  
  
If Nageki Fujishiro can no longer live, then neither can Hitori Uzune.

  
  
****

  
  
In an apartment much too big for one bird sits the empty shell of a quail, a pile of newspapers growing steadily in the space. There’s no word of freshman Nageki Fujishiro’s untimely death, of course. No matter how hard he looks there’s no clues, no reports... no signs that he existed at all. The only traces of his life now reside in his memories.  
  
Nageki was always the best out of all the orphans at hide and seek, but if anyone could ever find him, it was Hitori Uzune.

  
  
****

  
  
For the first time in his life, he skips work without explanation. The world is too bright and too cruel for this quail to make it through on his own. How dare the sun still rise, even when there is no reason for it to shine on. How dare there be laughter and joy, when he can’t even shed a single tear anymore.  
  
How dare the days keep passing, when all he wants is for his clock to stop ticking. 

  
  
****

  
  
_“Live, Hitori. Live, and be happy.”_  
  
What an entirely selfish wish.

  
  
****

  
  
It doesn’t take long for him to wind up in a hospital.   
  
The doctors all tell him how lucky he is that he is alive. “If someone hadn't found you,” they say, “you wouldn’t be here right now.” They tell him to thank everything he’s got because it was so close to it being too late.  
  
He doesn’t have the heart to correct them. All he can do is manage a hollow smile and say “thank you”, even though he knows that no one is listening to him anymore.  
  
The medical papers from that visit all read “Kazuaki Nanaki”.

  
  
****

  
  
Wounds heal. Scars fade. Everything vanishes, with just a little time and patience.  
  
No matter how many photographs he scribbles over or how many letters he tears to shreds, Nageki is there. He is still there... even through the thick black lines and scraps of paper, he still sees him standing before him, the saddest, most pitiful expression on his face.  
  
_“Don’t do this, Hitori.”_  He hears Nageki whisper in the back of his mind.  _“Please.”_  
  
It’s his turn to not listen.

  
  
****

  
  
The voice, however, is persistent. Invasive. He feels Nageki's words fill the very air he breathes.  
  
_“Why are you still alive, Hitori?”_  
  
_“Why didn’t you protect me, Hitori?”_  
  
_“Why weren’t you there, Hitori?”_  
  
_“You promised you’d always be there for me, Hitori.”_  
  
_“I needed you, Hitori.”_  
  
_“You betrayed me, Hitori.”_  
  
_“This is your fault, Hitori."_  
  
_“I would still be alive if it weren’t for you, Hitori.”_  
  
Every night, he appears before him. Sometimes his face is charred black and he can practically taste the burnt flesh on his tongue after he awakens. On others it is flawless and beautiful and he can’t resist the temptation to reach out to hold him close, only to have him disappear before his eyes once again.  
  
Dreams? Reality? What’s the difference anymore? Either way, he can’t reach Nageki like this.  
  
He ups his dosage of sleeping pills and chews on bits of millet, praying with everything he can grab onto that he can finally rest.

  
  
****

  
  
Narcolepsy. To him, it’s just one step further away from Hitori Uzune, from a weaker being who couldn’t protect anyone... from everything that he has left behind.  
  
He wants it all to disappear.

  
  
****

  
  
_“You killed me, Hitori.”_  
  
_“This is your fault.”_  
  
No. No.  
  
_“I will tear you apart, piece by piece, until you feel everything that I felt.”_  
  
Yes...  
  
_“You will never forget me. You can never forget me._  
  
_You will pay, Hitori.”_  
  
There’s nowhere he can hide.

  
  
****

  
  
Kazuaki Nanaki stares silently at the gates to St. Pigeonations Institute. The warmth of the spring day or the toll of the bell in the distance is not enough to shake him from his reverie. It seems so long ago now that he was standing there with Nageki, holding his suitcases and chattering so excitedly about all the wonderful opportunities he would have at that school. All the things he would learn, all the friends he would make...  
  
_“They tortured me here, Hitori. And you let them.”_  
  
He feels his heart pounding rapidly in his rib cage, but he knows he has to take a step forward. It’s now or never. There’s no turning back.  
  
_“I will never forgive you.”_  
  
No matter what it took, he will do something this time. He will do anything...  
  
_“Come to me, Hitori. I’m waiting.”_  
  
"I will find you."


End file.
